Holy shit, I missed a lot. I knew this would be hard once I got back to school. Especially on the weekends, rofl. Oh, what fun.

So Thursday was a great day. My morning classes aren’t as bad as I thought, it’s just worse on a Tuesday (like today) when I know I have another class at 6:30. I literally feel like I have no time to do anything. Which I guess isn’t true since I’m taking some time to do this…Whatever. I got out of class at 12:05, like usual, and we waited until 1:20 to eat lunch with Sam and Lauren (our hopefully-replacement for Kelly next year). After that I spent all day doing nothing. Which felt great. Honestly, I don’t really remember anything that happened that day besides running into Deidra Bitches and her telling us about some parties that were going down. She mentioned that Silver (our favorite) was supposedly throwing a party so we all (except for Kelly) knew we just had to go out that night. So we hit up Bree and turned out Silver was not having anything but she did know of two parties in Beau. So Sam, LeighAnn, Lauren, and I all get ready and go out with Bree and her friends. It was pretty fun, I guess. Basically just a place to drink but then I went with Bree to another party that was connected to the first one’s backyard but slightly diagonally. That was interesting, although we were only gone for what felt like 5 minutes, but it turned out to be about twenty. As I was there, I drunk texted Jimmy and our conversation goes as follows:

Me: Heyheyyy

Him: Hey im goin to bed we will talk tomorrow<3

Me: Oh, nooooo! But okay :) <3

Him: R u drunk?

Me: Lol yupp you?

Him: Yea i went out but i got in a bad mood and now i’m home lol something’s wrong with me

Me: Awww, feel better!

Him: Thnx

Me: No problemo

Okay, so whatever. I loved the heart but the end was a little weird. So whatever, now I’m in a great mood because of a stupid heart, right? Wrong.

On Friday we all woke up whenever we wanted, hungover and hungry. So we went to eat and then we all did our laundry and I did some of my Physics homework and that was that day. Obviously Jimmy and I hadn’t spoken at all. Then Friday night comes along. The worst kind of night. TJ and Fern came down to visit for the weekend so that was a plus. But we got all cute and in dresses and I wore heels that night. Sam and I took more shots than we should have but luckily, Alex didn’t tell us the Sigma Pi party was BYOB so we couldn’t get more drunk than we already were…yet. Thankfully, Chris, Nick, and Chuck were standing outside because they couldn’t get in and Chuck had his car :D so he gave us a ride back to our dorm and that was that. So now we’re all sitting in Sam and LeighAnn’s room, chatting, and I was already texting Jimmy since he said we would talk that day but we didn’t. It wasn’t going that great. I took another shot because I felt I need to drink more, and so many things were annoying me. So drunk me took it upon herself to text Jimmy a list of all the things that were bothering her (“I hate that we’re not normal, I didn’t ask for a relationship I just wanted it the way it was because it made me happier than I’ve been in a while” was included…I’m not proud of it.) and ending it with “I’m wasted, bye.” So he said “Oh god. I’m not even gonna respond to that hahaha”. Broke down in tears. Hysterical. 

Sidenote: Now, sober me would think nothing of this. Sober me knows whenever I get drunk, he tends to say he isn’t going to answer to any of my ridiculous texts. Drunk me, however, took it to heart and broke down for the rest of the night.

Chris and Nick ended up leaving because they noticed I was upset. I told my friends what had happened and THIS is where I get pissed. I decide to go to the bathroom and on my way back, I overhear them talking about it. LeighAnn stayed quiet and randomly agreed with Sam as she told Kelly that “no girl could do that. It’s practically impossible.” While Kelly sits there telling them I should cut him out of my life completely because he’s a douche bag. Now here’s my rant:

He is not a fucking douche bag. I know one when I see one. I dealt with one for six years of my life. Jimmy is an angel compared to Nuno. He has told me from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. I brought this upon myself. I’m the one that got my hopes up because maybe, just maybe, “I’d be the one to change that.” So fuck you for thinking Jimmy’s an asshole. Because he’s not.

Which leads me to what happened the next day. Saturday we all ended up getting into some deep conversations because Kelly felt like we treated her weirdly now. Fuck her, I don’t care. We just can’t wait for you to leave. So while Sam was talking to her for two hours, I decided that I should really apologize to Jimmy. Because LeighAnn made a valid point: a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean boyfriend/girlfriend. He could mean he didn’t want it to get so serious to the point where I’d get mad at him for hooking up with someone and vice versa. Plus, my earlier rant about how it’s my fault really made me realize that this is exactly what he didn’t want. So, I won’t go into it word for word because I pretty much said it all here, I just messaged him to apologize. 

I didn’t really expect him to answer because I didn’t wanna get into the same conversation over and over again. So that night LeighAnn and Kelly didn’t wanna go out because they’re lame. Sam was supposed to come out with me but when it came down to it, she decided to stay in. So I ventured out on my own. Bree and her friends picked me up after I was ready and we went back to their townhouse to pre-game. Before I get into how drunk I was and the details, let’s review what I drank: I went from vodka, to shots of rum (chasing with vodka), back to vodka, to beer for the rest of the night. Remind me not to do that again…

So we ended up going to John’s house on High St. It was fun, blahblahblah, cops showed up, girls wouldn’t come out of the bathroom, we went to Solomon’s house, I threw up, kept having fun, made myself throw up, party of four in the bathroom with Bree Harry and Dave, got a ride home from Dave, slept on Bree’s couch until 12:45. Didn’t go to workout class like planned, watched the beginning of the Patriot’s at Bree’s place, watched the end in an apartment at Terrace. Watched the beginning of the Giants’ game at the Landmark, watched the end at Solomon’s house. And of course, Giants win, in overtime, with a field goal from Tynes<3

But in the beginning of the game, I had a message from Jimmy. It said:

• • Its not your fault it just didnt work out which sucks. Im never gonna be around starting tmw haha im gonna be gone All summer as welll im sorry if i like lead you on i feel like i did. And the giants better win this game hahaha

    So whatever. It’s all over. And nothing interesting ever happens during school days, I feel so I’m just ignore the fact that I missed Monday and Tuesday too.

Yesterday was our first day of classes. On a Tuesday. It’s pretty safe to say Tuesday’s are going to be my least favorite day every week. It’s boring, it’s long, I hate all of the classes. They are so boring and I know no one. Last semester I didn’t really know anyone either but at least I had professors that I liked. And as far as I can see, I don’t really like any of them so far except my Modern Art teacher. He’s pretty funny but the only thing that sucks is that I need two text books, I know shit about art, and I’m required to go on a thirty dollar field trip to a museum in New York City. Not excited about that at all. I get to spend the entire day, basically by myself because Lord knows I won’t be making any friends in that class. Oh, and NEVER again am I taking night classes. So when I read this later on, at the end of the school year, let this be a reminder NOT to take a night class. Long, boring, and goes by so slow. I don’t really have textbooks for any classes yet except for my physics class and I don’t even need it as of now. This is a recipe for disaster.

Oh yeah, two days ago me and Jimmy talked about why I was acting so weird at his house. He told me that he’s weird with me now because the day we ACTUALLY and FINALLY hung out, I had no interest in him at all. I did nothing but apologize because I didn’t know what else to say. He asked why I acted the way I did and at first, I only told me that I was nervous. Because I was. But the reason as to why I was so nervous seemed pretty important so I decided, even though I’ve never really told anyone this before, that I would give him the real reason behind the way I acted. I’m sure he thinks after that day that I’m just prude up-tight bitch, but I’m not. At all. I explained that I acted that way because any time I was in a bed with another guy (which was first and only Nuno) I was practically raped, no matter what I did. He didn’t read it at first, he just told me we had to talk about it the next day, which was understandable. It was 2 in the morning. So the next day )the 17th) comes along and we don’t talk allll day. So I decided to take it upon myself to text him. After a little while of speaking, semi-normally, I asked him if he ever got the chance to read my real explanation. He said “I just read it over. I mean ive been in a few fucked up relationships so i know what u mean and whoever he was he sounds fucked up. I guess its good we didnt do ne thing more cause honestly i dont wanna get in a relationship with ne one and i feel like if we had sex or something u wud hate me”. So obviously I asked why I would hate him and he said “Idk i feel like u wud think i used u or something cause i wud never see u”. Well, I don’t about anyone else, but I wouldn’t think he used me if he continued to talk to me and like me after sex. If, however, we had sex and he was still acting this way, then yes. I would absolutely think he used me. Which makes me believe he just doesn’t like me anymore.

Which brings me to today, January 18th. I ended up waking up at 12, got ready as fast as I could and went to lunch with the same three girls I always eat with. Sam and I went to our College Comp class. It was pretty good, I can’t really complain. Except for the fact that some girl Courtney is the biggest suck-up I’ve ever met and I already hate her personality. AND the fact that the vampire (Anecdote: The girl fucked Dave twice. He fucked her from behind and thought of me both times. Awkward. And after that, she was hooking up with Andrew, Dave’s next door neighbor and as he was fingering her, blood got on his fingers, and she licked it off. Gross.) sits right across from Sam and me and stares at us almost the whole time. But other than that, it seems like it’ll be fun. Kelly’s also been pissing me off today. I don’t know why, I’m just in one of those moods. So I’m currently sitting in Sam and LeighAnn’s room alone because I don’t wanna be in my room with her. She said “Weird” as she left, but I don’t really care. She can suck my dick. We don’t like her anymore. Well, that sounds really harsh but I don’t care. Oh, what happened today with Jimmy. He IMed me on Facebook just to tell me he needs to stop day drinking. I’d like to say we had a normal conversation, but it wasn’t what I consider normal. It was just two friends talking, like it has been lately. But I guess it wasn’t terrible because he talked to me first. But that’s also because he was drunk, alone, and saw I was on Facebook. Maybe he just did it so I wouldn’t text him today. Whatever, I’m not starting any conversations with him anymore. I’m over it. Maybe he’ll realize he misses talking to me? Doubt it, but I suppose it’s worth a shot.

Okay, off to take a shower and watch “Criminal Minds” with LeighAnn. Hopefully nothing note-worthy takes place!

Of course, Kelly and Sam moved in today and Kelly has managed to complain about everything. I understand you want to transfer to be home next year, but that doesn’t mean you have to complain about everything and constantly tell us how miserable you are.  You aren’t trying your best to be positive. Stop lying. All day, Jimmy and I clearly haven’t spoken. However, I put up a status in the afternoon and he liked it. I put up a status a couple hours ago and he just commented on it and said “What?” and then when I said “I’m sorry, do I know you…?” He said “guess not, peace.” So I texted him and we’re kinda having a stupid conversation and he hasn’t answered in quite a few minutes but we’ll see how this goes. Classes start tomorrow. AH! Nervous.

Today was the day that I moved back into school. While I’m excited to be back to living with my best friends and being free, there’s a bit of sadness. Jimmy was supposed to let me know when he got out of work last night so we could hang out. He never did. I’m upset that I never got to see him before I left, but I’m less mad about it now. I have several theories as to why he has been kind of backing away from all of this.

The first theory came from Cosmo’s February issue: It’s gotten to the point that “he has me, the chase is over.” So now it’s up to him to decide if he wants to keep going with this. Which, naturally, could be common with guys. Not many guys want relationships in the first place so now he might just be deciding what to do.

The second theory just came from logic: I am two hours away now. He has no time to come visit me. I don’t have a car to drive myself home (nor am I taking public transportation to Newark). He’s so busy with baseball and school. On breaks that I’ll be coming home, he’ll be on trips for baseball. It could be months without seeing me. Why would anyone in their right minds—especially a guy that hates relationships to begin with—want to waste their time talking to a girl that he’ll never see or be able to fuck, or simply kiss. Which is understandable. I should have known.

The third theory has just been made up in my mind (totally far-fetched, but possible): He always talked about how his past girlfriends have been psychotic. Freaking out and picking fights about every little detail. Clearly, I’m not like that. Which I suppose he obviously isn’t used to. However, what if he just thinks I’ll cause a scene and pick a fight with him if he tries talking to me again? So basically, he could just be avoiding a fight in his mind.

Personally, I don’t think the last one is as likely as the other two, but I suppose it could be possible. Regardless, I’ll give him some space. Let him see what it’s like without me again and maybe, just maybe, he’ll decide he doesn’t like not talking to me. I don’t know if it will work, but we’ll find out sooner or later.

As for any business other than “relationship” drama, I’ve been back at school for roughly 9 hours and I have yet to unpack a single thing. Looks like I’ll be up late tonight…

willywillz:

What else is new? I’m done. I’m sick of doing all the work just to get me nowhere. Thanks for doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.

Woke up at 10:30. Showered, did my hair. Just to be told we aren’t hanging out today. “Let’s hang tomorrow. We can get lunch. I just have work at 5.” Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it.

Lunch with Kayla=semi-success
Hanging out with Jimmy=failure
Applebee’s with Kelly, Ashley, and George=success
Jimmy’s supposed to let me know when to go over tomorrow. He’ll probably forget. He has to pick up his brother at 2:30 so if anything, I’m sure I’ll see him for less than an hour. If I don’t see him tomorrow, I know I won’t see him before going to school. Lately his excuse has been that he’s so busy or that he forgets. I get the busy part but he never used to forget about me coming home or when we were supposed to hang out. This is done. I know it is.

Well, mom woke me up at 9:30 this morning, unexpectedly, to go work because it was busy. While I wasn’t happy about that, I got to go to lunch at Friendly’s with her. The work day sucked though. It was busy and my legs really hurt by the end of the day but whatever. Danielle came home from California today so me, her, and Yasmara went to Taco Bell and we talked about her trip and old times and upcoming plans. It was nice bein with them again. Jimmy was supposed to let me know today if we’re gonna hang out tomorrow. He has yet to speak to me. I suppose I’ll text him tomorrow to find out. Also, at 4 in the morning he texted me and said “u upppp? Lessss bang lol”. He is a strange child hahaha but ya gotta love him. Other than that…today was boring as fuck. Got my paycheck. A whopping 57 dollars. All I want is to hit the lottery. Million dollars. Pay off my student loans. Move to LA. Live semi-comfortably until I get my feet on the ground. All I want.